That “EX” Thing….

“Like a tool, Love should be used to build something incredible, not to destroy the fragile material.” ~Sarah Jakes Roberts

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Disclaimer: This particular blog is for parents who are not married and mentally competent without life threatening issues, who yet desire to have a positive relationship with your child(ren) as well as help them be emotionally and mentally healthy.

So you meet someone and notice there is a compelling attraction so irresistible that you unite long enough in some form of a relationship to become a couple. Some longer than others, however long, it’s enough to create a life or two or three or more. Then due to circumstances beyond your control you and Mr. or Ms. Irresistible find yourselves in a break up and deciding to move forward in life without the other. Now the person whom you may have felt at one time you would die for, you simply wish was dead. (Oh did I make that too real for some of you?) Well guess what they’re not and neither are you… Which of course you realize more and more as the pain from the break up keeps surfacing and that ripping of the heart feeling that no one can see, keeps reminding you: this is not a nightmare that you will wake up from, but this painful break up is REAL. Not only are you having to accept that the time, money, emotions and physical investment you put into this is not going to pay off… But you now have a life or lives that you BOTH are the parents of!!! Talk about complicated! So how do you deal with this situation and still raise a mental and emotionally well balanced child when you feel anyway but that yourself??? I’m glad you asked!

First, realize your child(ren) never asked to be here. The situation they are in, they had no choice. Therefore they shouldn’t have to suffer because of it. It is totally unfair for children to suffer emotionally or any way because the two… and yes I said TWO people they love can’t seem to get along. Next realize that your differences are YOUR differences not the child’s. What do I mean

I mean to you she talks too much, is indecisive and blows throw money like nothing but to that child, that is the woman who birthed them, gets up and night to see what’s wrong when they cry, the person who kisses their booboos, cooks their favorite meal, reads to them and spends time just being silly or having fun with them just because she’s MOM. Likewise to you he may be a man without clear direction, issues, behavior patterns that get under your skin, but to that child, that is the man who protects them from monsters, keeps them from being bullied, plays the rough housing games that Momma dare not play, moves heaven and earth to be there for them anyway they can because he’s their DAD. Therefore no matter how you see them to an innocent child both of their parents are heroes and guess what, they don’t need you contaminating their view with your one sided perception. Love your child enough to let them have a positive nontoxic relationship with both parents. That they do deserve.

When my marriage broke up for good 22yrs later after six separations and two divorces, I could’ve chose to walk in bitterness but because my Love for him was real it didn’t just turn off like that. Truth be told, I will love him the rest of my life because again… Love doesn’t just turn off like a water faucet. What did happen was a shift on how I loved him. Once I realized there would be no reconciliation, then the next step was damage control. We were Pastors, we had a congregation to protect and even more importantly we were parents thus we had our three miracle children to protect! I could choose to tear down their father, and the image they had of him that was positive by focusing on the negatives but what would that have done other than made FIVE wounded broken hearted beings instead of just two. I remember when my parents divorced, I was 8yrs old and even though it wasn’t my fault, I still blamed myself. Why because if I even heard my name come up in an argument, to me it was about me. Of course I later learned the truth but before I had that truth I had the burden of the lie the devil was selling me and my parents were unaware they were playing into it. I shared that with you because how many times do you find yourself arguing with your ex about your child? Could you be giving that child the feeling that you can’t get along because of them and that if they removed the source of the argument, the people they Love would be happy again??? Fortunately, somewhere along the way, my parents got it right as Partners in Parenting. No they didn’t get back together, but they were a united when it came to their daughter. They allowed me to have BOTH of them thus at times to this day I forget I was raised in a divorced home. They didn’t undermine each other’s authority, they learned how not to let their broken hearts bleed on me, they BOTH LOVED Me and I them.

Here’s the bottom line. Crying over spilled milk doesn’t clean up the mess, dealing with it does! Youhave GOT to accept the fact that what happened; happened. Now get up, dust yourself off and literally move forward, better not bitter! If you’re absolutely sure that this is not who you are to spend the rest of your life with, then guess what…. IT’S OKAY to say, that didn’t work, cut your losses and get this…. Become FRIENDS! Yes I said friends. There is no way you can hate and degrade what your child loves and think they will be loyal to you or even know you love them. Your child will love you at the level you love what and who they love. To them that is showing them how much you love them. So how can you show your children you love them? Remember when Jesus asked Peter, “Do you Love me” three times? Each time Peter said yes and got a little more agitated. However after Peter would say yes, Jesus would say “Feed my sheep”. I imagine Peter was confused as to what in the world does feeding your sheep have to do with me loving you… But what Jesus was trying to help him understand was I will know how much you love me by how well you take care of what I love! Love your child enough to give your EX the respect as the co parent. Bury the hatchet and ill wishes toward one another. Stop trying to make the other one look bad or be bad and realize there doesn’t have to be a win/lose situation but everyone can WIN! Talk the other one up to the child not down, come to an agreement on how you are going to co-parent even if you have to put it in writing or consult a mediator. Set and respect proper boundaries with one another and stick to it. Let your child(ren) see that they mean enough to you, that you will do whatever necessary to show Love even when it hurts. Then let GOD be the one to heal the hurts. I promise you the uncomfortable parts of this doesn’t last forever and it will only be as uncomfortable as you make it. 

I have and do constantly remind my children of the wonderful man I fell in love with so the image they have of their father is positive. That way when they look in the mirror and see more of him than me, they don’t hate themselves because I poisoned them to hate him. I’m not telling you something I haven’t done, I know it’s possible. My mother used to say, before she went home to be with the Lord, “God can heal a broken heart; but you’ve got to give Him ALL of the pieces.” Stop holding onto the pieces that you have no control over, give them to God and Let the healing began. Leave your child(ren) a healthy legacy not a toxic one.

Praying for you,

God’s Girl Chiquita